Behind the song: Absence
by Tricia Fox
Here lies an absence of a meaning I was told
By a girl I knew so well some time ago
She told me once she told me twice she told me one more time
Knowing that I needed all three throughout my life
A road less traveled though still traveled on some days
By the ones who knew the scripture of the brave
I had my moments where I too could stand so strong
Hand in hand with the meaning and the song
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
They asked for proof and I too wanted to know
So I looked outside to find the facts from long ago
And I dissected every word from every tune
Placed them in basket scattered all around my room
Full baskets, empty text, theories of clay
No longer curious a slow and aching pain
A heart left out simply sitting in a cage
Waiting for her voice to breathe worth in someday
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
Is it enough to know without nurture and value?
Or will passion wilt and joy go on with out you
My passions tiptoed out without a sound
I cannot blame them I really wasn’t around
I focused more on if I’d fail or if I’d fall27
Then on if I befriended them at all
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
As hope would have it I will sing or I will die
Along with meaning delivered to my life
Lucky for me my friend
She knew that it was time
To remind me of the truth I tried to find
She said, “don’t think to much, you’ve got to let it flow
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
You’ve got to feel to know
As odd as this sounds for a singer songwriter to say, writing isn’t my most natural form of communication. Singing gives me access to words that a blank screen and information in my head does not. At the risk of sounding too honest and vulnerable, I had a hell of a time writing my capstone. It became almost an unnecessary struggle that piled on itself as time went on, causing anxiety and some downright mean thoughts toward myself, which likely stunted my ability to communicate:
A heart left out simply sitting in a cage
When I took a step back to understand why I was having such a hard time, I realized that my capstone no longer felt meaningful. I was so focused on academically proving something I have always internally trusted through experience. But now this experience felt almost foreign to me, as I hadn’t written a song in months. One of the reasons I believe in the power of the humanities is because I have seen songwriting help not only myself in times of struggle, but also kids undergoing cancer treatment and teens in drug and alcohol recovery. This song is a result of that realization and a particularly hard day.
I thought about not sharing the details of this particular song. It feels so personal and specific to my situation, and the lyrics seem straightforward. So for this post I’m going to share two short background tidbits from the time I wrote this song and how it connected to my masters in positive psychology.
The first background is about how this song was buoyed by the power of community. I am lucky to have a great group of friends and fellow musicians in Houston, Texas. In 2014, we started a songwriting group with a prompt each month, encouraging each other to write songs based on that prompt and share them with each other. I highly recommend this model to any creative, professional, or otherwise. It has opened my songwriting to songs that would have passed me by, as well as let me be witness to some truly inspired songs. The songwriting prompt for the get together that spurred this song was “Absence.”
Second, the first line of the song, “Here lies an absence of a meaning I was told by a girl I knew so well some time ago,” is referring to me, before this whole process started; the girl that started my degree with such passion, meaning, and the purest of intentions. The last verse, “my friend she knew that it was time to remind me of the truth I tried to find / She said, ‘don’t think too much, you’ve got to let it flow, you’ve got to feel to know,’” is also referring to me, but this time the person who now understands, temporarily at least, that connecting to the meaning behind this capstone is more important than sounding a particular way, impressing leaders in the field, or even making a visible impact. Not an easy lesson, but one I remind myself of anytime anxiety tries to throw me an “I can’t” party. And I am grateful for that lesson.
10 years later… my capstone has been downloaded over 200k times. Way to stick with it past me, I am so very proud of you!